Depression is hitting me like a rock in the face.

Things, have been going horribly wrong in my life right now. I don't know where to start.. Who to talk to, who i can trust, who i can trust with my heart. Who's shoulder I can cry on. My daughter should not have to see me in this state, but it's gotten so bad I cry in stores.. Why do I cry in stores, because I miss this someone who does not want to be with me, I feel lost. I feel like a lost puppy in a winter snow. Cold and abandoned. I'm writing this as my feelings of how I have been feeling lately So people don't question me anymore. I want time to myself, but I can't seem to get it. I feel like the worlds leaning on me. and when I finally need someone, I have no one.

For the man I love..

<---That smile right there, Gives me the reason I do today, I don't know where I'd be in life if I didn't meet that man. I use to be in a bad relationship before I met that wonderful man. But he showed me I can be strong, I can hold my feet down on the ground and breathe and know everything will be okay in life even at it's worst. He started off as my best friend, He started off as one of the biggest crushes I've ever had on a guy. The moment I saw his picture, the moment I saw him on webcam, I've never felt that way, but I felt like someone punched my stomach and I had butterflies everywhere. To this day I still get butterflies, talking to you. Looking at you, watching you when you sleep. I love when you snore, it's your company that I adore and love. They said True love doesn't exist unless you believe in it, You helped me believe in true love. I did not believe in it until now. This one blog, is just all for you. I am going to spill my feelings all for you. Sometimes I'm depressed, But everyone gets that way, I've never doubted our relationship because I know deep inside you are the one for me, I would never do anything to hurt you, If I hurt you I'd be hurting myself. Your personality brightens up a room, If there was a room full of people, I think the first person I'd notice would be and was you. You've seen me at my worst, when I was crying hard, when I hadn't had makeup on, When I wasn't wearing a beautiful outfit, when my hair was a mess. Yet you still stayed with me, You stayed by my side for when we had a daughter, the birth of our daughter and my pregnancy. And I think truthfully you will always be by my side, I hope I am not wrong. Sometimes, I accuse you of stuff, But that is because I am scared to loose you, I will admit I am insecure. I always ask myself "How did I end up with such a wonderful man like Regi, why does he want me, what's so special about me, there's better people out there" I think there's a point in life where reality will always set in, Like are you ready for a big step relationship like this, are you ready to have the family, are you ready to be committed to only one person for the rest of your life, my answer is yes. I am willing to have that man I grow old grey hairs with, the man we fuss about the bills with, the man that does the handy house work, the man that father's my daughter, I am ready for all of that. Hell, I'm even ready for more children with that wonderful man named Regi. It's taking me time to write this, because I'm trying to get everything out I've ever felt about you Regi, and everything I will ever feel about you.
Sometimes I get mad at you, over stupid little stuff. But hey, I'm only human, and besides that I'm a women, I have self conscious issues, I'm scared of what I look like, I have this wonderful thing called a period every month, I sleep with the t.v on at night, I yell and cry way to much, I love shopping for things for other people, I put People before myself. But that's just how I am, and you understand that, and here you are... Still with me. I cannot believe it! I'm crying while I'm writing this blog, Because it is very emotional for me.. to know where we stand right now, I didn't want it to ever be like this, I don't want you to ever feel like your not unloved, but if you ever feel the need that you are not happy in this relationship, then it needs to be gone, I never will want it to be gone.. but if you feel that will make you happy then that is what needs to be done.
Sometimes, I think you are scared of what my family thinks about you, It does not matter, all that matters is what me and our daughter think of you. I think you are a wonderful man, a wonderful father, and a wonderful fiancée, to put it simple Just a wonderful person in general. To know you might not want to live with me for now, hurts inside.. but I know that's what's makes you happy, Georgia does.. and I can never replace that. They say Home is where the heart is, Well I think that is true, I just wish I could be your home. Let's forget this sad part, and go to the happy part.. I want this future of ours to be happy! I want everything to be happy, I want our lives to be perfect. But sadly there will always be flaws in everyones life, not everyone lives forever and we only have one life. You know what I really love about you, How caring you are. You care for people way to much, you don't care what other people think in a good way, your smile brightens a room, your laugh could make everyone laugh it's just contagious, it's beautiful. Your hair, it's so funny how you always have to fix it, and I love it however you have it, I love the way your body is, Skinny or a little on the over weight side! You are always going to be perfect in my eyes. I guess, the main thing I am trying to say is.. Is that
I love you.

Things to say that will clear my mind.

Motherhood. First off all I'd like to say, It's one of the best things I've ever experienced so far in my life, a month. A beautiful month has already passed since I had that wonderful daughter of mine. She gives me the reason to smile every day, and wake up knowing that everything will be alright. How could something so small make such a big impact on my life, I do not know, Just like I do not know how our life in the future will stand. But my life will change for the best, I will always make that my priority now. When she looks me in the eyes, when I am at my worse and depressed. I can't help but smile, she holds out her little hand and holds my finger. She knows when I feel down, it's amazing how much of a connection we have, and I don't even have to say anything to her.. Nor does she. She's a healthy baby, she only cries when she wants to be cuddled with, or when she's hungry and needs her diaper changed. I am currently formula feeding her, I was breast feeding her for the first 3 weeks of her life, but my breast milk has dried up, I've tried to get it to come back. But, It just wont, and I've come to terms and am now fine with that, at least I breastfed for 3 weeks. Currently, Regi left around the 3rd of January this month, because his grandparents aren't doing so well. So I am currently taking care of the baby by myself. With my family's support and best friends support. I don't know where I'd be or if I could even do it alone. Those teenage mother's who mother their babies alone. I can't imagine how strong they are, It's so hard for me to take care of her alone but I know someone is coming back for me and his daughter. I am a teenage mother, I don't like that statement. I am just a mother like any other mother in this world. But younger than normal. Sometimes, Since I live in Washington it could be the rainiest day but with my daughter's smile and her in my arms it could be the sunniest. She makes my heart warm, I never knew anybody else could do that besides the special people I have in my life right now. I miss her little kicks when she was in my belly though, I miss getting ultrasounds and that excitement from seeing her on that little tiny screen. But, I have more to look forward to in this new life of mine. I get to look forward to Camilla saying her first word, doing her first crawl, walk, eating her first solid foods, and all that amazing stuff. I feel so blessed that I have a healthy daughter.

Thinking of the future... Makes me nervous,
Will I meet my daughter's standards, Will I still be with my baby's father, In all hopes I hope I will be. Right now me and Regi stand happy, But sometimes couples fight. And I know that turns out bad in some relationships, I'll always keep my mind open and listen to what he has to say, He gave me a promise to love me forever when he gave me the ring, and I gave him the promise that I will return that love back to him when I accepted it. Camilla is our daughter, it's not just my future, it's OUR future. My hopes are that Regi gets his dream job as one of those Weather people, He loves talking about the weather, and reading up on the weather. I don't know how he does it, or even finds it interesting, But I try to tag along on it just to let him know I'm there for him. As for me, My dream job is to become a veterinary, I know what a typical job for a teenager, Or even a kid. But I love the connection I have with animals, When I was at my loneliest when I was a child, I remember always relying on animals, they helped me. I'll never let Camilla feel that lonely, But if she ever does, I plan on always keeping an animal by her side, So when she doesn't want to talk to me. She can talk to that pet, and confide in it. Me and Regi plan on getting married sometime next year, or within a few years even. I want Camilla to be old enough to be our little flower girl and able to walk down that isle with us. I feel like my life has been so short, but it's already complete, Besides missing out on the jobs. I plan on re-entering myself back into high school sometime in September.


Some news to update you on.. Yes, Me and Camilla plan on going to Georgia sometime next month to visit Regi's side of the family and Regi of course!
Regi has been in Georgia for almost a month now because his grandparents have taken ill. But Me and Camilla will be going to Georgia for a month to visit his family, This is my first time meeting his family as well! Nervous yes! I'm so excited though, to finally meet his mom in person, and his grandparents, and the rest of his amazing family. I've heard so much about them so hopefully this trip will be fun. I'm going to miss my family that is here, but hey I'll only be gone for a month and they deserve to meet our little precious baby Camilla as well.. Well for now this is my updated blog, enjoy reading my updates. But one more thing, Camilla's one month check up with our nurse was fine, she was 8 pounds 12 ounces 21"3/8 inches, For weight she was 50% and for length she was 75% So she's a little bit taller than normal my nurse said, But that's fine. She's probably bigger than that now, Because she is 1 month 1 week and 1 days old