The peices slowly start falling back in place..

You can decide wether that is a good or bad thought, but for me It's a pretty damn good peice that's falling into my life. I've made it to the "big" 17 now as of February 17th. I spent it wonderfully with my future husband, his mother, and our precious daughter Camilla. Camilla is now 2 months old as of the 15th She's becoming such a wonderful little girl I can already tell. She smiles a lot, cooe's a lot. Her smile brightens up the room even when your feeling at your worst. How can a baby, something so small do this, well you'd only understand if you were a parent, or are very close to a infant. There are certain miracles in life, where I look around and thank god for the certain things I have. I'm currently in Georgia, My daughter does deserve to meet her family you know. I don't know how long I'll be staying here. But I like it here, My relationship with regi is getting better, way better. I feel like our relationship is rock solid, and we haven't been lieing to each other or hiding things, or fighting at all. How great! I miss my family a lot, I miss my mom waking me up in the mornings with a big hug, I miss watching t.v shows with grammy. I wish doing puzzles with my little brother dominick, I miss going to the book store with my grandpa, and telling him what he should cook, and how much I love his food. haha, those small things in life will always make me smile.

I miss you, Mom, Dominick, Grammy Grandpa, bobby, Lucas. You are always in my heart even when I'm far apart from you guy's. If you'd like to know what I'd done for my birthday. Here is my answer, had a nice steak and burger that Regi grilled, It was so delicious! Had some wine, Strawberry wine for me. YUM!

Things you'd probably like to know about Camilla besides me talking about myself is, she sleeps through most of the night, she's starting to notice her surroundings more! I don't have much to say. But thank you for everyones support, and making my life better. The negative is out, and the good is IN!

"When you are a mother, You are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice

once for herself and once for her child."



Depression is hitting me like a rock in the face.

Things, have been going horribly wrong in my life right now. I don't know where to start.. Who to talk to, who i can trust, who i can trust with my heart. Who's shoulder I can cry on. My daughter should not have to see me in this state, but it's gotten so bad I cry in stores.. Why do I cry in stores, because I miss this someone who does not want to be with me, I feel lost. I feel like a lost puppy in a winter snow. Cold and abandoned. I'm writing this as my feelings of how I have been feeling lately So people don't question me anymore. I want time to myself, but I can't seem to get it. I feel like the worlds leaning on me. and when I finally need someone, I have no one.

For the man I love..

<---That smile right there, Gives me the reason I do today, I don't know where I'd be in life if I didn't meet that man. I use to be in a bad relationship before I met that wonderful man. But he showed me I can be strong, I can hold my feet down on the ground and breathe and know everything will be okay in life even at it's worst. He started off as my best friend, He started off as one of the biggest crushes I've ever had on a guy. The moment I saw his picture, the moment I saw him on webcam, I've never felt that way, but I felt like someone punched my stomach and I had butterflies everywhere. To this day I still get butterflies, talking to you. Looking at you, watching you when you sleep. I love when you snore, it's your company that I adore and love. They said True love doesn't exist unless you believe in it, You helped me believe in true love. I did not believe in it until now. This one blog, is just all for you. I am going to spill my feelings all for you. Sometimes I'm depressed, But everyone gets that way, I've never doubted our relationship because I know deep inside you are the one for me, I would never do anything to hurt you, If I hurt you I'd be hurting myself. Your personality brightens up a room, If there was a room full of people, I think the first person I'd notice would be and was you. You've seen me at my worst, when I was crying hard, when I hadn't had makeup on, When I wasn't wearing a beautiful outfit, when my hair was a mess. Yet you still stayed with me, You stayed by my side for when we had a daughter, the birth of our daughter and my pregnancy. And I think truthfully you will always be by my side, I hope I am not wrong. Sometimes, I accuse you of stuff, But that is because I am scared to loose you, I will admit I am insecure. I always ask myself "How did I end up with such a wonderful man like Regi, why does he want me, what's so special about me, there's better people out there" I think there's a point in life where reality will always set in, Like are you ready for a big step relationship like this, are you ready to have the family, are you ready to be committed to only one person for the rest of your life, my answer is yes. I am willing to have that man I grow old grey hairs with, the man we fuss about the bills with, the man that does the handy house work, the man that father's my daughter, I am ready for all of that. Hell, I'm even ready for more children with that wonderful man named Regi. It's taking me time to write this, because I'm trying to get everything out I've ever felt about you Regi, and everything I will ever feel about you.
Sometimes I get mad at you, over stupid little stuff. But hey, I'm only human, and besides that I'm a women, I have self conscious issues, I'm scared of what I look like, I have this wonderful thing called a period every month, I sleep with the t.v on at night, I yell and cry way to much, I love shopping for things for other people, I put People before myself. But that's just how I am, and you understand that, and here you are... Still with me. I cannot believe it! I'm crying while I'm writing this blog, Because it is very emotional for me.. to know where we stand right now, I didn't want it to ever be like this, I don't want you to ever feel like your not unloved, but if you ever feel the need that you are not happy in this relationship, then it needs to be gone, I never will want it to be gone.. but if you feel that will make you happy then that is what needs to be done.
Sometimes, I think you are scared of what my family thinks about you, It does not matter, all that matters is what me and our daughter think of you. I think you are a wonderful man, a wonderful father, and a wonderful fiancée, to put it simple Just a wonderful person in general. To know you might not want to live with me for now, hurts inside.. but I know that's what's makes you happy, Georgia does.. and I can never replace that. They say Home is where the heart is, Well I think that is true, I just wish I could be your home. Let's forget this sad part, and go to the happy part.. I want this future of ours to be happy! I want everything to be happy, I want our lives to be perfect. But sadly there will always be flaws in everyones life, not everyone lives forever and we only have one life. You know what I really love about you, How caring you are. You care for people way to much, you don't care what other people think in a good way, your smile brightens a room, your laugh could make everyone laugh it's just contagious, it's beautiful. Your hair, it's so funny how you always have to fix it, and I love it however you have it, I love the way your body is, Skinny or a little on the over weight side! You are always going to be perfect in my eyes. I guess, the main thing I am trying to say is.. Is that
I love you.

Things to say that will clear my mind.

Motherhood. First off all I'd like to say, It's one of the best things I've ever experienced so far in my life, a month. A beautiful month has already passed since I had that wonderful daughter of mine. She gives me the reason to smile every day, and wake up knowing that everything will be alright. How could something so small make such a big impact on my life, I do not know, Just like I do not know how our life in the future will stand. But my life will change for the best, I will always make that my priority now. When she looks me in the eyes, when I am at my worse and depressed. I can't help but smile, she holds out her little hand and holds my finger. She knows when I feel down, it's amazing how much of a connection we have, and I don't even have to say anything to her.. Nor does she. She's a healthy baby, she only cries when she wants to be cuddled with, or when she's hungry and needs her diaper changed. I am currently formula feeding her, I was breast feeding her for the first 3 weeks of her life, but my breast milk has dried up, I've tried to get it to come back. But, It just wont, and I've come to terms and am now fine with that, at least I breastfed for 3 weeks. Currently, Regi left around the 3rd of January this month, because his grandparents aren't doing so well. So I am currently taking care of the baby by myself. With my family's support and best friends support. I don't know where I'd be or if I could even do it alone. Those teenage mother's who mother their babies alone. I can't imagine how strong they are, It's so hard for me to take care of her alone but I know someone is coming back for me and his daughter. I am a teenage mother, I don't like that statement. I am just a mother like any other mother in this world. But younger than normal. Sometimes, Since I live in Washington it could be the rainiest day but with my daughter's smile and her in my arms it could be the sunniest. She makes my heart warm, I never knew anybody else could do that besides the special people I have in my life right now. I miss her little kicks when she was in my belly though, I miss getting ultrasounds and that excitement from seeing her on that little tiny screen. But, I have more to look forward to in this new life of mine. I get to look forward to Camilla saying her first word, doing her first crawl, walk, eating her first solid foods, and all that amazing stuff. I feel so blessed that I have a healthy daughter.

Thinking of the future... Makes me nervous,
Will I meet my daughter's standards, Will I still be with my baby's father, In all hopes I hope I will be. Right now me and Regi stand happy, But sometimes couples fight. And I know that turns out bad in some relationships, I'll always keep my mind open and listen to what he has to say, He gave me a promise to love me forever when he gave me the ring, and I gave him the promise that I will return that love back to him when I accepted it. Camilla is our daughter, it's not just my future, it's OUR future. My hopes are that Regi gets his dream job as one of those Weather people, He loves talking about the weather, and reading up on the weather. I don't know how he does it, or even finds it interesting, But I try to tag along on it just to let him know I'm there for him. As for me, My dream job is to become a veterinary, I know what a typical job for a teenager, Or even a kid. But I love the connection I have with animals, When I was at my loneliest when I was a child, I remember always relying on animals, they helped me. I'll never let Camilla feel that lonely, But if she ever does, I plan on always keeping an animal by her side, So when she doesn't want to talk to me. She can talk to that pet, and confide in it. Me and Regi plan on getting married sometime next year, or within a few years even. I want Camilla to be old enough to be our little flower girl and able to walk down that isle with us. I feel like my life has been so short, but it's already complete, Besides missing out on the jobs. I plan on re-entering myself back into high school sometime in September.


Some news to update you on.. Yes, Me and Camilla plan on going to Georgia sometime next month to visit Regi's side of the family and Regi of course!
Regi has been in Georgia for almost a month now because his grandparents have taken ill. But Me and Camilla will be going to Georgia for a month to visit his family, This is my first time meeting his family as well! Nervous yes! I'm so excited though, to finally meet his mom in person, and his grandparents, and the rest of his amazing family. I've heard so much about them so hopefully this trip will be fun. I'm going to miss my family that is here, but hey I'll only be gone for a month and they deserve to meet our little precious baby Camilla as well.. Well for now this is my updated blog, enjoy reading my updates. But one more thing, Camilla's one month check up with our nurse was fine, she was 8 pounds 12 ounces 21"3/8 inches, For weight she was 50% and for length she was 75% So she's a little bit taller than normal my nurse said, But that's fine. She's probably bigger than that now, Because she is 1 month 1 week and 1 days old

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011.

2010, Has finally come to an end!

This makes me full of emotions, Because It's a whole new year a fresh new start. As being a mom, As being a wife, as being a family.


My view on 2010

-I fell Pregnant, Which was a thing that made me become very nervous and happy.
-I became a fiancee to a wonderful man who purposed to me on mother's day.
-I became a mother to a wonderful Daughter on December 15.

-I spent the whole year with a man that treats me amazing.

My sum up seems pretty small, But there were so many details involved in this sum up, That I will not add. They are just memories for me and my family to know. And Memories are special things, not always do they have to be written down or taken a picture or video of I've learned.

My hopes for 2011

To be the best mother and fiancee I can be, treat my family wonderful. Loose a good 30 pounds, hopefully that will work out, I want to re-enter myself in school after I am use to being a full time mother. I want to get a job, But that will probably have to wait for next year. I want to help my family out more often when they need me. A better additude when I look at life, and smile when things go wrong just so I can stay happy.

I want to look over life with a new view, this means a lot to me because if i'm not happy my daughter will not be happy. And I want everything for my daughter and my little family, I want to breast feed her for as long as I can.

This is a short sum up, for what I want for 2011, Because I can't always guess or even say what I want to do, because you don't know really until it happens.

Camilla is a healthy girl, she has her 2 week check up 2 days ago, she's healthy. 7 pounds 6.5 ounces, 20 inches long. Baby girl is growing which is good, makes me sad.. I feel like I just had her yesterday. These 2 weeks have been the fastest of my life. Everything is going by so quickly.

My own early Christmas Present

She's finally Arrived that little bundle of joy I've been waiting for for 9 months. It's hard to come down to what I've exactly wanted to say, But I'm going to tell you how my labor went and how I am feeling being into a whole new start and world into motherhood.

I went into early labor on the 13th at 9:13 p.m having contractions 5 minutes apart. Went to the hospital around 11:00 and they told me I was dilated to 2 1/2, they made me walk around for an hour straight without sitting down unless really needed. To try to make some progress but none was made when they checked me again. So they sent me home, I lost more of my mucus plug when I got home and my contractions did not stop that night, they were still 5 minutes apart. I only got about 3 hours of sleep that night everytime I went to sleep I woke up from another contraction happening. The next night late at night, I took a hot bath like the doctor told me, to help progress the labor it surely did because right after I got out of the bath tub around 5:00 my contractions were 3 minutes apart and 5 minutes apart and way more painful! I ended up going to the hospital once again around 7:30 and they checked to see if I've dilated anymore and sure enough I was dilated to 7 1/2! They sent me to a room right away, I started pushing around 3:00 A.M possibly around 2:30 if not that. I pushed for 2 1/2 hours and there wasn't much progress my bones didn't move much like they were suppose to be moving so I had to go into a C section, By the way I had an epidural and it was amazing, my body was numb and they gave me some pain meds. My blood pressure went up and down a bit though because of the meds they were giving me but it was good enough for me to go into a C section around 5:00 A.M. You want to know what a C section feels like for the people who don't know? It feels like a bunch of pressure, that's about it. Because I had so much pain meds and because I still had the Epidural I barely felt a thing, just pressure..

Camilla Renee Johngan was born at 5:45 A.M, weighed 7 pounds 6 ounces and was 19 inches long. I remember her scream when they took her out it was breath taking.. I cried when I heard her for the first time. Regi made an amazing coach during my labor, he was there to hold my hand and rub my back and head when I was in pain. He was there when I got the epidural and when I was getting my C section. Regi agree's with me on this one. How lovely it was to hear her cry for the first time. Camilla we had been waiting for you for 9 long months and now that you have arrived you are the best thing that's came into my life. How could I love something so much that is so small. I will always keep you safe, you will always be daddy's and mommy's little angel girl forever.  Your mommy and Daddy Camilla will always remember hearing your first cry.. and your first poop, which was very stinky from what I've heard since Daddy had to change it.

A message to my little Camilla Renee.
you will always be mommy and daddy's girl. You will never change our hearts we will always love you for who you are whatever you decide to do with your life. My expectations are for you just to be you, and fill your life with great things that I did not get to do as much as I wanted to. Your already amazing, and I already have a thought that you are going to make big things in the future happen with your life. Because from that first cry, I know you will be amazing. To mommy and Daddy at least, We love you.





When you smile it melts my heart. You will forever be mommy and daddy's christmas present for a lifetime.

37 weeks, 9 months.

Here's what has happened at my prenatal appointment, and what has been going on in the last few days.

-The Doctor checked If I was Dilated, I'm Dilated to 1 so far as we know. Which is great, could mean she will come soon.

-Baby is fully dropped from what the doctor has said, He said I should feel like I'm carrying a Bowling Ball inbetween my legs, Which I totally feel like I am.

-I'm starting my weekly Prenatal appointments my next appointment is on Friday.

-Late this morning, Last night. Around 12:00 I lost some of my mucus plug. Which means she'll be here even closer than we thought, my Due date is December 23,2010 for those of you who don't remember.

-Had some Contractions after loosing a bit of my mucus plug, and before I lost a bit of it.

The things to look forward to these days to come.

-Regi is getting his haircut Friday. Finally, Tired of him having an Afro ha ha.
-Regi is going Christmas shopping, Makes me want to find out what he's getting me!
-Going to birthing classes this weekend, knowing me I'll be super tired though because they're early in the morning and they go all day!


How I am Currently Feeling.

-In so much pain I can barely stand it, it really sucks.
-I feel anxious, and nervous. Because it's getting closer and closer to my due date and there are signs that labor should be coming early.
-I feel tired also, it's not easy holding up a small baby in your belly!

This is just an update for everyone, for what I'm looking forward to and Just to update everyone.
Enjoy.