9 Month's Already!?!

There's my beautiful baby girl who is now 9 month's as of today. It's kind of a bitter sweet feeling every month when she get's a month older. She's growing up so fast, I'm pretty sure I've said that in almost every blog I've posted! But it is so true, it has almost been an entire year since I've had her. Her accomplishment's so far are being able to crawl really fast, She stands up by herself without holding anything for a good minute. "Daddy, Mumma, Nana, Baba (bottle), & Hey" is in her vocabulary now! Her personality come's out and shine's more and more every day she's learning something new. She love's mashed potato's and Cheeto puff's Graduate Puffs and she love's sour stuff! Camilla make's funny noises with her mouth, she grabs everything in sight she can reach her hand's.  She certainly is going to be one of those T.V addicted babies her favorite show's at the moment are Blue's Clue's, Miss Spiders Sunny Patch. She love's listening to music and dancing as she always has.


Yep, That's a tooth! Camilla has her very first tooth. I am so happy and proud, but people weren't kidding when they told me about when babies are getting their teeth it's hard work. Camilla work up about twice a night with this tooth with horrible screaming. I hated watching her in pain, but now I am prepared and know what is coming when the other teeth decide to pop up! Camilla's sleeping schedule is pretty good she goes to bed around 10:00 p.m and wakes up around 8:00 a.m. She normally doesn't wake up in the night unless she doesn't feel good.
That is all for Camilla's update's she hasn't gotten weighed in. In a while so hopefully by next month I will be able to tell you guy's!

Fall is approaching, It's my favorite season. I always imagine warm cookie's baking and a house smelling of goodness. And warmth in the house and beautiful leave's falling outdoors. But now I get to experience it with someone even better than just myself Regi, And Camilla as a family! Camilla gets to experience one of Mommy and Daddy's favorite Season's. I can't wait until Halloween I still haven't found a costume for Camilla yet. It's a really hard decision of what to have her wear, But I'm pretty sure I will think of something. I think it's finally cooling down in Georgia thank god! I was so not use to this sort of heat and I felt like if I had any more of it I might of died (Not Literally).  Oh another thing to add me and Regi's anniversary is coming up VERY soon. It's been almost 2 year's that's a pretty long time at least to me it is and I hope it grow's even longer! Thank's for reading the update's whoever does read it.

I've rarely Updated.

Camilla is currently 7 month's old.
She will be 8 month's on the 15th of this month. Time flew by way to quickly. I love being around her and just seeing her smile and to watch someone grow so quickly just amazes me day by day.
I've moved to Georgia! That's one of the current things in life.
Camilla Crawls (Excellent) She pushes herself up so she can look outside the window near her crib we bought her. She Says "Mama, Dada, Baba (Bottle). I'm back with Regi, I guess every couple has their high's and low's We just had one of those. But now he's being the best dad I've ever seen. He even got a job, I am so proud of him and how our little family is turning out. It feels like a dream being so happy in life. Fairy Tales aren't real, But this is darn close to one.  I do miss my family in Washington But this is where I am happy and that's all they and I want in life is to be happy!

Well it was a quick update. Hope you all enjoy'd it.

GoodBye My almost lover;

As A fine Frenzy once said. We must say goodbye to the ones we are closest to, to make our hearts grow stronger. Things happen for a reason, good and bad. Life if it was easy, things would always be handed to us, we would not feel pain, that is a perfect world. Some people get happiness by buying things, going out, dancing, singing. But what if those things, do not help? What do you do when your on the other end and you are not ready for that goodbye you once dreaded? Do you regret, or do you keep those memories or let them wash away into your thoughts. You mourn as if you have lost someone dear to your heart as if they have died, you hold your child in high hopes that maybe this is a dream? Well this dream land has turned to reality, your final goodbye's turn into tears that wont stop. A year, A long year, wishing you had seen this coming, but it has hit you in the face bluntly and fast. Your stomach turns when you think of the idea "Me without my lover I will be incomplete, What will I do "  A new chapter, you must force upon yourself, are you even ready for this? You take day by day and try to let your heart heal, but it continues to get harder each and every day without them. You gave them your everything, you hoped that was good enough, you even prayed. You got no answer back, so your faith has went downhill. When you look into your daughter's eyes, you see the reflection of that lost lover's face, you see them everywhere. You lay in the bed you once shared so many special moments in, where you touched their arm when they were asleep, now you are grasping an invisible body that you wished was next to you to tell you "Everything is okay." Those pictures that once hung on your wall that you finally took down with sobbing tears there is an imprint of where they once layed. You don't dare to walk into the store that you both once enjoyed so much. Constantly thinking, "Do they miss me as I miss them?" My love for you was so strong, So real, The tears I cried for you were from my heart being crushed. My heart is at the bottom of my feet, every time you look at their picture your heart still skips a beat.
I loved you Bobby Reginald Johngan.

"It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does". -Author Unknown.

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Currently in Life..

Camilla is 4 months 1 week and 5 days old! I can't believe this whole motherhood thing is getting easier. Camilla has caught a cold this week, poor lil baby we had to take her to the hospital because she was running a 101.1 fever. But they said it's just a common cold, so we just have to use Little Fevers and it's actually working pretty well. She's so sick she's been sleeping all day.
She's not doing anything really differently lately, she sits up mostly on her own now! Watching something grow and learn is so amazing, I'm so blessed to be able to witness it and even have a child! Camilla didn't get to do much on her Easter, she was catching her cold first then.

Saturday Last week we went to Six Flags, it was so cool. I've always wanted to go to a Six Flags even though I'm one of those people who hates rollercoasters. I just feel uncomfortable being only able to hold onto a bar and being spun in the air. Just doesn't sound very appealing to me. We went on Water Rides though, I got soaked. It was 11:00 a.m too, I know sort of a bad time to get wet. I'm really enjoying my time here in Georgia. But all the fun has to end sometime. I'm going home to Washington next month on the 11th. Regi is not coming with, I do not really want to talk about why. I don't even know why. But that subject is very touchy and I hate thinking about it that he's not coming back with us. He doesn't want to come back until October. But overall my experience in Georgia has been great. Me, Regi, Camilla have got the hang of this family thing. We take her out to the park, and the mall. We are very proud parents there is not a moment when we are not. As a relationship for me and Regi, We are doing pretty good. We haven't really fought much. I actually see our relationship is going somewhere, (That's a good somewhere too).
I've done things that I've always wanted to do in life here in Georgia. Like touch a tiny turtle! I'm a big animal lover.  I think my depression is resurfacing the closer the day gets to when I am going home, the more my heart aches for leaving Regi.

Shots,Shots & More Shots.

Camilla has finally got her two month shots, I know it's a little late, but hey It happened and we got it done! She's a great 12 pounds. I thought she would of been a little bigger by now. She's 23 1/2 inches long! I have a feeling she will be tall later in the future. It broke my heart when she cried, Yes she cried.. It was a heartbreaking cry too.. She got 3 shots, 2 in one thigh, 1 in the other. She cannot eat Rice Cereal yet, Or juices yet the doctor said. She's too small she doesn't have the required weight to start up on Rice Cereal, or something..

Camilla has started showing interests in the following shows
-Spongebob Squarepants (What kid does not like that show!?)
-Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
-Family Guy (That would be my fault)
-Baby Channel Nighttime Shows.


-I will update more later.

Changes are coming...

Camilla Renee can finally hold her bottle!
That's one of the changes that is currently happening in life, I feel like it was just yesterday I was having a C-Section, Motherhood is getting easier, but I know it will get harder once she learns how to grab at everything and crawl or even walk! I haven't updated in quite sometime because there have been things in life that have been sad. Regi's Grandmother passed away this year on St.Patty's Day. She was so amazing, Even though she could not talk  because she had Alzheimer really bad. I barely knew her and I miss her so much as it is. You could tell she was happy and she wanted to say things, but she just couldn't. All she would do was Smile and hold out her hand so you could hold it. There seems to be a lot of Death around me this year, My aunt Bobbi Passed away as well. I'm not sure on the details but last I heard was that she had a Brain tumor, I will miss her very much and always cherish those pictures that I have with her at my Baby Shower. I will be uploading pictures later of these two beautiful women that have passed away.


On a happier note...
 I Plan on in the future reference taking Camilla swimming I'm not exactly sure how she will react to pool water, or river water wherever what kind of water we are taking her in. This weekend Regi wants to go to some sort of lake or something with Camilla and me and the family, Sounds fun to me. The weather has been Really hot and muggy feeling here. My allergies are going crazy at the moment, It's like you take a step on the ground and there's this flurry of smoke where you stepped on the ground, that flurry of smoke.. Yes my friend would be pollen. So much Pollen. I think my nose is going to fall off sooner or later.  I've met quite a bit of Regi's family since his Grandmother's death, I've noticed that when someone passes away. Family always gets close to each other and we all remember how much we appreciate and love each other. I promise to treat every day like a new day, Because I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I miss my family so much, I think I almost broke down and Cried when I heard my brother crying because I made a goodnight video for him, He's only 4.  I miss the smell of my house, I use to hate that house. That new house we have, but now since I'm away from it. I actually find myself missing it. Weird how things turn out, You can't wait to get away from something and once your away from it. You find yourself a little lonely and like as if you left a bit of yourself at that house for your family to suck in so you can be there mentally.

Milestones that Have been Reached...
As I've said Camilla can now hold her bottle, Her daddy helped her out at first, then she held it for like a whole minute straight, I'm so proud of her she's so smart. She's learned so many things this month like she kicks her bouncer so she can make it bounce. She kicks the balloon so it will move, She can hold herself up for about 10 seconds by herself! I can't believe Camilla is 3 months Old, It saddens me how time is flying by when I have a child. I remember in the past I use to wish things would speed up like this. Now I wish things were a little bit slower. There's not enough hours in the day that's how I feel! Camilla has started enjoying her TV time, She likes falling asleep to the baby channel at night, They play Classical music and colorful things to help her brain think, and all that stuff. She likes Handy Manny, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Family Guy ( don't worry I wont let her watch it when she's older ) She likes the wind, and nature. I have a feeling in the future she will be playing outside most of the day's! I also have a feeling she's going to be a heartbreaker. But it's better to be the heartbreaker than to have the heartbroken, haha!

We'll thanks for staying tuned in my little updates, I love everyone who supports me.

The peices slowly start falling back in place..

You can decide wether that is a good or bad thought, but for me It's a pretty damn good peice that's falling into my life. I've made it to the "big" 17 now as of February 17th. I spent it wonderfully with my future husband, his mother, and our precious daughter Camilla. Camilla is now 2 months old as of the 15th She's becoming such a wonderful little girl I can already tell. She smiles a lot, cooe's a lot. Her smile brightens up the room even when your feeling at your worst. How can a baby, something so small do this, well you'd only understand if you were a parent, or are very close to a infant. There are certain miracles in life, where I look around and thank god for the certain things I have. I'm currently in Georgia, My daughter does deserve to meet her family you know. I don't know how long I'll be staying here. But I like it here, My relationship with regi is getting better, way better. I feel like our relationship is rock solid, and we haven't been lieing to each other or hiding things, or fighting at all. How great! I miss my family a lot, I miss my mom waking me up in the mornings with a big hug, I miss watching t.v shows with grammy. I wish doing puzzles with my little brother dominick, I miss going to the book store with my grandpa, and telling him what he should cook, and how much I love his food. haha, those small things in life will always make me smile.

I miss you, Mom, Dominick, Grammy Grandpa, bobby, Lucas. You are always in my heart even when I'm far apart from you guy's. If you'd like to know what I'd done for my birthday. Here is my answer, had a nice steak and burger that Regi grilled, It was so delicious! Had some wine, Strawberry wine for me. YUM!

Things you'd probably like to know about Camilla besides me talking about myself is, she sleeps through most of the night, she's starting to notice her surroundings more! I don't have much to say. But thank you for everyones support, and making my life better. The negative is out, and the good is IN!

"When you are a mother, You are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice

once for herself and once for her child."



Depression is hitting me like a rock in the face.

Things, have been going horribly wrong in my life right now. I don't know where to start.. Who to talk to, who i can trust, who i can trust with my heart. Who's shoulder I can cry on. My daughter should not have to see me in this state, but it's gotten so bad I cry in stores.. Why do I cry in stores, because I miss this someone who does not want to be with me, I feel lost. I feel like a lost puppy in a winter snow. Cold and abandoned. I'm writing this as my feelings of how I have been feeling lately So people don't question me anymore. I want time to myself, but I can't seem to get it. I feel like the worlds leaning on me. and when I finally need someone, I have no one.

For the man I love..

<---That smile right there, Gives me the reason I do today, I don't know where I'd be in life if I didn't meet that man. I use to be in a bad relationship before I met that wonderful man. But he showed me I can be strong, I can hold my feet down on the ground and breathe and know everything will be okay in life even at it's worst. He started off as my best friend, He started off as one of the biggest crushes I've ever had on a guy. The moment I saw his picture, the moment I saw him on webcam, I've never felt that way, but I felt like someone punched my stomach and I had butterflies everywhere. To this day I still get butterflies, talking to you. Looking at you, watching you when you sleep. I love when you snore, it's your company that I adore and love. They said True love doesn't exist unless you believe in it, You helped me believe in true love. I did not believe in it until now. This one blog, is just all for you. I am going to spill my feelings all for you. Sometimes I'm depressed, But everyone gets that way, I've never doubted our relationship because I know deep inside you are the one for me, I would never do anything to hurt you, If I hurt you I'd be hurting myself. Your personality brightens up a room, If there was a room full of people, I think the first person I'd notice would be and was you. You've seen me at my worst, when I was crying hard, when I hadn't had makeup on, When I wasn't wearing a beautiful outfit, when my hair was a mess. Yet you still stayed with me, You stayed by my side for when we had a daughter, the birth of our daughter and my pregnancy. And I think truthfully you will always be by my side, I hope I am not wrong. Sometimes, I accuse you of stuff, But that is because I am scared to loose you, I will admit I am insecure. I always ask myself "How did I end up with such a wonderful man like Regi, why does he want me, what's so special about me, there's better people out there" I think there's a point in life where reality will always set in, Like are you ready for a big step relationship like this, are you ready to have the family, are you ready to be committed to only one person for the rest of your life, my answer is yes. I am willing to have that man I grow old grey hairs with, the man we fuss about the bills with, the man that does the handy house work, the man that father's my daughter, I am ready for all of that. Hell, I'm even ready for more children with that wonderful man named Regi. It's taking me time to write this, because I'm trying to get everything out I've ever felt about you Regi, and everything I will ever feel about you.
Sometimes I get mad at you, over stupid little stuff. But hey, I'm only human, and besides that I'm a women, I have self conscious issues, I'm scared of what I look like, I have this wonderful thing called a period every month, I sleep with the t.v on at night, I yell and cry way to much, I love shopping for things for other people, I put People before myself. But that's just how I am, and you understand that, and here you are... Still with me. I cannot believe it! I'm crying while I'm writing this blog, Because it is very emotional for me.. to know where we stand right now, I didn't want it to ever be like this, I don't want you to ever feel like your not unloved, but if you ever feel the need that you are not happy in this relationship, then it needs to be gone, I never will want it to be gone.. but if you feel that will make you happy then that is what needs to be done.
Sometimes, I think you are scared of what my family thinks about you, It does not matter, all that matters is what me and our daughter think of you. I think you are a wonderful man, a wonderful father, and a wonderful fiancée, to put it simple Just a wonderful person in general. To know you might not want to live with me for now, hurts inside.. but I know that's what's makes you happy, Georgia does.. and I can never replace that. They say Home is where the heart is, Well I think that is true, I just wish I could be your home. Let's forget this sad part, and go to the happy part.. I want this future of ours to be happy! I want everything to be happy, I want our lives to be perfect. But sadly there will always be flaws in everyones life, not everyone lives forever and we only have one life. You know what I really love about you, How caring you are. You care for people way to much, you don't care what other people think in a good way, your smile brightens a room, your laugh could make everyone laugh it's just contagious, it's beautiful. Your hair, it's so funny how you always have to fix it, and I love it however you have it, I love the way your body is, Skinny or a little on the over weight side! You are always going to be perfect in my eyes. I guess, the main thing I am trying to say is.. Is that
I love you.

Things to say that will clear my mind.

Motherhood. First off all I'd like to say, It's one of the best things I've ever experienced so far in my life, a month. A beautiful month has already passed since I had that wonderful daughter of mine. She gives me the reason to smile every day, and wake up knowing that everything will be alright. How could something so small make such a big impact on my life, I do not know, Just like I do not know how our life in the future will stand. But my life will change for the best, I will always make that my priority now. When she looks me in the eyes, when I am at my worse and depressed. I can't help but smile, she holds out her little hand and holds my finger. She knows when I feel down, it's amazing how much of a connection we have, and I don't even have to say anything to her.. Nor does she. She's a healthy baby, she only cries when she wants to be cuddled with, or when she's hungry and needs her diaper changed. I am currently formula feeding her, I was breast feeding her for the first 3 weeks of her life, but my breast milk has dried up, I've tried to get it to come back. But, It just wont, and I've come to terms and am now fine with that, at least I breastfed for 3 weeks. Currently, Regi left around the 3rd of January this month, because his grandparents aren't doing so well. So I am currently taking care of the baby by myself. With my family's support and best friends support. I don't know where I'd be or if I could even do it alone. Those teenage mother's who mother their babies alone. I can't imagine how strong they are, It's so hard for me to take care of her alone but I know someone is coming back for me and his daughter. I am a teenage mother, I don't like that statement. I am just a mother like any other mother in this world. But younger than normal. Sometimes, Since I live in Washington it could be the rainiest day but with my daughter's smile and her in my arms it could be the sunniest. She makes my heart warm, I never knew anybody else could do that besides the special people I have in my life right now. I miss her little kicks when she was in my belly though, I miss getting ultrasounds and that excitement from seeing her on that little tiny screen. But, I have more to look forward to in this new life of mine. I get to look forward to Camilla saying her first word, doing her first crawl, walk, eating her first solid foods, and all that amazing stuff. I feel so blessed that I have a healthy daughter.

Thinking of the future... Makes me nervous,
Will I meet my daughter's standards, Will I still be with my baby's father, In all hopes I hope I will be. Right now me and Regi stand happy, But sometimes couples fight. And I know that turns out bad in some relationships, I'll always keep my mind open and listen to what he has to say, He gave me a promise to love me forever when he gave me the ring, and I gave him the promise that I will return that love back to him when I accepted it. Camilla is our daughter, it's not just my future, it's OUR future. My hopes are that Regi gets his dream job as one of those Weather people, He loves talking about the weather, and reading up on the weather. I don't know how he does it, or even finds it interesting, But I try to tag along on it just to let him know I'm there for him. As for me, My dream job is to become a veterinary, I know what a typical job for a teenager, Or even a kid. But I love the connection I have with animals, When I was at my loneliest when I was a child, I remember always relying on animals, they helped me. I'll never let Camilla feel that lonely, But if she ever does, I plan on always keeping an animal by her side, So when she doesn't want to talk to me. She can talk to that pet, and confide in it. Me and Regi plan on getting married sometime next year, or within a few years even. I want Camilla to be old enough to be our little flower girl and able to walk down that isle with us. I feel like my life has been so short, but it's already complete, Besides missing out on the jobs. I plan on re-entering myself back into high school sometime in September.


Some news to update you on.. Yes, Me and Camilla plan on going to Georgia sometime next month to visit Regi's side of the family and Regi of course!
Regi has been in Georgia for almost a month now because his grandparents have taken ill. But Me and Camilla will be going to Georgia for a month to visit his family, This is my first time meeting his family as well! Nervous yes! I'm so excited though, to finally meet his mom in person, and his grandparents, and the rest of his amazing family. I've heard so much about them so hopefully this trip will be fun. I'm going to miss my family that is here, but hey I'll only be gone for a month and they deserve to meet our little precious baby Camilla as well.. Well for now this is my updated blog, enjoy reading my updates. But one more thing, Camilla's one month check up with our nurse was fine, she was 8 pounds 12 ounces 21"3/8 inches, For weight she was 50% and for length she was 75% So she's a little bit taller than normal my nurse said, But that's fine. She's probably bigger than that now, Because she is 1 month 1 week and 1 days old